I have always been a little addicted to television (which is like saying you’re a little pregnant, I know). The irony is that I grew up with crappy television and in my young adulthood, as much as the box still lured me into its glowing beam, I did formulate an opinion that watching the boob tube really did destroy brain cells (or at the very least, did nothing at all to constructively assist the quality of those that already existed).

The other big problem with television growing up was that to watch it, you had (by definition) to also be a couch potato. Bright and sunny out? Didn’t matter, Gilligan’s Island was on. Activity Day at the park? Hmm. That or Charlie’s Angels. I’ll get back to you on that one, but feel free to start without me.

Now, with DVR technology, I am in control of my television’s timing and not the other way around.

But is it still just crappy, mindless, even mind-dumbing activity? You’ll be happy to know I’ve come to an answer. Actually, I’ve come to two.

Yes.

And no.

Cable television, which was always arguably better than “network” programming (we didn’t have cable—in fact, in Wyoming, we didn’t have stations, as in plural). But I have to say, as a writer, I am über-sensitive to poor writing (and nothing begets poor acting like poor writing). The truth is, not to be biased, but I honestly believe the truthful actors when they thank their writers for the awards they win, for it is writers who put the words in their mouths. Yes, there is most definitely an art and talent to acting, but at the very least, if the most talented actor in the known world was given a script written by the worst writer, it’s over. A great script can save a mediocre actor, even make him or her great in one film or another.

Thing is, the writing on television has actually become better than that of (perish the thought) Hollywood. Say it ain’t so.

Sorry Harvey (Weinstein), your movies suck. Most of them anyway. And when one (shitty) movie costs me half a month’s cable bill after being gouged for a few ounces of flat soda mixed with a ton of ice and bent over the proverbial barrel, sans lube, for a bucket of greasy, day-old popcorn, I’m more than ready for the comfort of my own lounger/bed/sofa and that 50+ inch plasma beauty.

But it’s not just the cost. Shows like Justified, Dexter, Sons of Anarchy, Nurse Jackie, Game of Thrones—and lest one forget the retired genius behind shows like The Sopranos, Deadwood, and (I want to cry) Entourage.

I could go on. But then I catch an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI: Miami (better named CSI:One-Liners from Turdville) and I am crushed. A fat, rosy-cheeked geekstress using a keyboard (no mouse) to hack into bank accounts, real estate records, migration databases, personal computers, all popping up on her screens within SECONDS (that’s right, the writers don’t even have enough respect for their viewers to have such Orwellian and completely nonsensical rubbish take a day or two and come up in garbled text instead of professional GUI presentation that looks better than the software I pay hundreds for).

Oh, and did I mention this goddess of hackerdom is doing all of this for her stingy, by-the-rules, don’t even tell a fib to get to some important information (entirely legal) FBI BOSS??

JFC.

And the writers behind David Caruso are so bad on CSI:Miami that I decided to go web-hunting for a montage of one-liners that will turn your stomach, curl your toes, boggle your brain, and make you wish YOU could make the kind of scratch these freaking chowderheads are making writing pure pig droppings for what is ostensibly a serious show about very serious (viscous, disgusting, sociopathic, nightmarish, even perpetrated-upon-children) crimes and the CSI techniques that are used to catch the completely deranged bad people.

I figured the minions on YouTube couldn’t possibly let me down, having done all the hard work for me:

That montage was only the beginning of each show; these one-liners appear again and again throughout every episode, usually while standing over the victim of a horrendous, violating crime. It makes me long for medieval times when, if a jester was disrespectfully horrible, he found himself drawn and quartered.

Do these dipshits not know that there are real victims of real crimes and it’s not time for Henny Youngman when one has just occurred, fictional or not? I guess that makes the writing not only unfunny and awful but insensitive, too. Nice combination for the resumé.

So this is my final evaluation: network television, while it’s still getting better (Modern Family and The Following come to my mind, but I am sure there are others you may be watching), cable television has really distanced itself from the competition and pay channels may not only be giving Hollywood a run for its money but may soon pass (and then lap) its competitor, the Silver Screen.

In closing I wanted to make a comment about why I enjoy (well-written) television so much. Just as when I was spending my day doing IT-related tasks, I didn’t relish the idea of coming home and working on my own home network; or as the chef occasionally wishes to dine out; as a writer, I do enjoy spending a couple hours in the evening letting someone else do the legwork for MY enjoyment while my muse takes a well-earned snooze.

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The blank page is dead…long live the blank page.

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Author known to use spontaneous satire, sarcasm, and unannounced injections of pith or witticisms which may not be suitable for humorless or otherwise jest-challenged individuals. (Witticisms not guaranteed to be witty, funny, comical, hilarious, clever, scintillating, whimsical, wise, endearing, keen, savvy, sagacious, penetrating, fanciful, or otherwise enjoyable. The Surgeon General has determined through laboratory testing that sarcasm can be dangerous, even in small amounts, and should not be ingested by those who are serious, somber, pensive, weighty, funereal, unsmiling, poker-faced, sober, or pregnant.)