We spend so much time flopping around like a trout on the shore of our little ponds, trying desperately for someone with some REAL clout (not Klout, the most ridiculous app-driven invention since Digg) to notice our work that some of us are even willing to pull our books from every other outlet, sales point, and online retailer just to grovel at the feet of the almighty Amazon.
But for what? I mean, even the most depraved, humiliating act should have some semblance of reasoning attached to it. You know, something like:
“If I pay homage to the almighty Amazon, the almighty Amazon will show my book somewhere that someone who can do something about it will see it.”
I decided this morning that MY reasoning looks more like this:
“If Stephen King wakes up on Sunday morning and decided to log onto Amazon to check the Horror genre rankings of his latest book (which I am sure he does most every morning), and he happens to glance sideways and down, he’ll meet me—the homeless version of him, my childhood idol.”
What King might see.
Was it Virginia Slims cigarettes that coined the term “you’ve come a long way, baby?”
Well I’ve been at this thing for just over a year, which I realize isn’t all that long in the scheme of things (then I’ll happen to realize it puts another year between me and the death of my son and it makes a year seem an eternity). Still, even though it’s “just” one year, all I have to show for it as far as commercial (read: professional) success, is that I am the homeless, panhandling, Stephen King.
It’s ironic, because my best book—the one I caressed and reread a thousand times and knew was the one—isn’t even the book that is doing anything for me. This weekend I’m giving away my book L O S T for the second or third time; prostituting myself and my work in the red-light booksellers district, my book all dolled up in heavy eyeshadow and thick, red lipstick winking at the customers saying “hey, sailor, I’ll let you read me for NOTHING, baby.”
Now comes the point where some readers say “well, you can’t write for money, you gotta write for yourself”.
Bullshit. I can name you a thousand authors—two thousand, a million—who damn well write for money. In fact, other than some of the Indies I’ve met along they way, THEY ALL DO. Writing is a fucking PROFESSION. At least for me it is.
So what the hell am I doing giving away my work for free? Panhandling my words at the off-ramp of professionalism as the Michael Connelleys and Stephen Kings of the world stop next to me, nervously keep their tinted glass up and their air-conditioning turned to high, and ignore my sign that says “Will Write Damn Fine Fiction For Food”?
Sour grapes? Sure, why not? I’m not quitting. But I damn sure have the right to be sickened by the way Amazon invites the hordes to pile their papers in the slop pit called “free publishing”, take their cut if the “published” sell a few, and shrug their shoulders as you eventually drown in the muck they themselves have created.
I could be thankful to them (and others) for allowing me the ability to put my works up on the board, charging next to nothing or even giving them away for nothing but stale air, or maybe I should be looking at the longer road—maybe I should still be honing my work and submitting it to a broken process within which subjective twenty-year-olds throw my manuscript in a trash can worth more than the most for which I ever sold my self-published masterpiece, all because it wasn’t trendy enough or didn’t have enough cleavage-engorged vampires sucking on the abdomens of rock hard teen idols.
I know it’s the sojourn of the writer. I know King struggled. I’ve read his life story a hundred times. I know the artists that died penniless. I know all writers are “Indies” at some point, just as we are all born in a mess of blood and water and entrails and we will all, each of us, no matter how famous or how homeless, die.
I get it. Life promises no one an easy road. But who’s looking for an easy road?
Me, you say. Someone who less than two months ago put out his magnum opus?
Perhaps. Many are the times I wish I had the resolve of a Jericha Senyak, the fortitude of a Russell Blake, the pithy strength of a Jo VonBargen, the gumption of a Bert or soulfulness of a Christina Carson, and the wisdom of a Caleb Pirtle. I admire these colleagues—these peers, if I dare call them so—because no matter what else, to me anyway, they’ve found a way to be comfortable in their own skin. I’m not saying I want more than them; I’m not saying they want less. I don’t think you can compare people that way. But I do wish I was comfortable in my own skin.
There is moment in the movie “Say Anything” where Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) is driving his car, recording his thoughts into a tape recorder, having just been dumped by the love of his life:
“The rain on my car is a baptism, the new me, Ice Man, Power Lloyd, my assault on the world begins now.”
I’ve always loved that line. It resonates with me. How many times in my own life have I “shaken it off”, thrown failure to the ground and sworn a similar oath?
I don’t know about anyone else, but I know God gave me the talent to write—the ability to drill into the soul and tell a story. I think I always knew it, but it didn’t hit me full in the face until I was sitting in front of my computer trying in complete and utter desperation to write the eulogy I would give at my two-month-old son’s funeral a few hours later. What I did instead was write him a letter. But what reawakened inside me that day was the writer that I believe God Himself constructed within my soul.
“The tears streaming down my face are my baptism, the new me, Ice Man, Writer Rob, my assault on the world begins now.”
That’s the way I felt. And yet, with millions upon millions of readers out there, I cannot reach enough of them to support myself, one wife, and four dogs. Stephen King gets ten million dollars a book and I can’t even get a well-known writer and another celebrity from my hometown to read my hometown magnum opus and give me a one-liner.
No one cares. I get tweets and emails all the time thanking me for a particular blog or tweet, but mostly it’s for buoying someone else’s spirits. From whence do I quench my own support? From my actual success? That beast is as elusive as she is bullying, bemused, betraying, and betrothed to some other writer’s soul.
Yet still I would rather die than give up the dream.
Ice Man.
The new me.
My assault on the world begins now.
Or I die. I’ll never go back.
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The blank page is dead…long live the blank page.
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Then don’t give up the dream, Rob. But just let it come to you in its own way.
Thanks, Christina. Certainly at times we must wait. But, as they say, moss grows not on a rolling stone, and inertia can also be an enemy. I’ve learned over the years (or should say, “been taught”) that success is something we chase. Clearly, as with everything in life, we must do both. 🙂
I believe the silence in the comments section here, which is so contrary to what you normally see, is more than likely due to the fact that what you wrote spoke to every other self-published author. You have exposed to light the dark truth, and fears, that hides in every writer’s soul. Authors – whether we go traditional or self-publish, we are up against overwhelming odds either way. I can certainly say that before getting in to this profession, I never knew how hard or time consuming the marketing side/getting readers was going to be.
And you – you might not realize it but you do have the resolve, fortitude, strength, gumption, soulfulness, and wisdom, you credit to the other authors you mentioned. We read it every day in your blog and it dwells within the characters of your books.
I have my own quote I think of whenever the muse betrays me or my writing spirit becomes weak – it’s from Galaxy Quest (don’t laugh), in it is a scene where a shipmate is asking it’s Captain “Where’s the happy ending, Jason? Never Give Up, Never Surrender?” I say precisely. There can be no happy ending if you do give up. As you said I would rather die than give up the dream. The Ice Man, it is you – Never Give Up, Never Surrender.
Well, clearly some have spoken up, and most (if not all) agree with your summation, as well we all should: Never surrender. I’ll say it this way:
They can have my dream when they pry it from my cold dead fingers. 😉
I don’t quite know what to say; this is probably common amongst those who read this post. I know I’ll continue to do what I can to get the word out about your books, like I did with “L.O.S.T” when I saw you had it on promotion, and then pointed those people to your other books while I was at it.
I was going to make a silly comment about the vampire picture, but .. *shrug* I just wanted to comment and let you know that I hear you, and you’re not alone.
Best,
Katy
Thanks, Katy. I think it’s inevitable for a writer to feel frustration and then, in as little as a day later, tremendous positivity and hope when the sales pick up again. Pain and joy. Life, right?
You know how much I appreciate your support. Or rather I should say, if you don’t know, I REALLY appreciate your support! 😀
It is hard. Obviously it is hard. And time-consuming. But we shouldn’t despair. We have those stories inside us and we need to share them. I know it is frustrating when our books are not bought and loved by millions of people, but it is the hardship of being self-published (or Indie, or whatever other name people may prefer). I have a folder with the things I write. And on the front cover of the folder I put a sticker that says “never, never, never give up”. So that’s what we must do. Never give up.
Thanks, Cinta. But I disagree. When on occasion I blog about disappointment or despair I get a lot of “we have to always be positive” kind of comments and though yours isn’t one of them, I’ve seen even “scolding” type comments. Just as pain is a part of joy and good is a part of evil so is disappointment a part of success and despair a part of elation. You can’t have the good without the bad. Of course I know what you are really getting at (that’s why I said “not you”) and your “folder” motto is righter than rain. We can never give up. 🙂
We never really catch the dream. If we finally reach out and touch it, the dream grows bigger and demands even more of us. It’s always just beyond our grasp, and we’re never satisfied with our successes, big or small. As my friend Nashville songwriter and singer Tom T. Hall said, “In this town, nobody cares how many copies your last song sold. The only question is: ‘What else you got?'” Well, what else do we have?
I would agree when the dream is big—in this context I’m simply talking about having the talent and sales to survive so that I can be what I’ve always known I AM. For myself, it’s not enough to write in a vacuum either. But the only “dream” I have is getting an opportunity to reach a large readership and so that I can sell a modest number of books. That’s a dream I plan on catching (and not releasing). 😉
Thanks, Caleb. I’ve meant every word spoken about you, my friend.
I in no way wish to discourage you, but I might suggest step back for a broader perspective of your work and expectations. You’ve said numerous times that Dark Prairies is your magnum opus. It seems to me that with this idea you’ve set yourself up for false expectations.
I haven’t read Dark Prairies, so I can’t really comment on its pages. But it is only your third novel. By suggesting that your third novel is your definitive work, the pinnacle of your ability, you’ve created within yourself an almost guaranteed sense of failure (“The only way I can get readers to check out my very best work is to give it away.”). As I said, I haven’t read Dark Prairies, but I can promise you that it is not your best work. Give yourself some time for that.
The issue I find many Indies have (or like to blog about) is that they aren’t a smash hit yet. You mentioned Stephen King’s struggles, and you say you get it, but do you really? Indies can publish without the acceptance of an agent/editor. They can just throw their work out there for everyone to see. That sounds like a great opportunity, but it also steals from them the much-needed professional feedback, the requirement to work and rework and rework many novels that may never see a bookshelf. Rejection after rejection forces authors to either hone their craft or give up the ghost. It takes stamina and evolution that the Indie doesn’t really need.
And, I feel, it sets false expectations. I’m making no statements about your ability as a writer, but I am concerned that you’ve set some unrealistic goals and are letting that discourage you.
JJ, I wrote a comment so long I had to make it a blog post, but that just didn’t seem right since there were some things I said about myself, etc. that I really didn’t want to post to the world. I would have emailed the response, but you are literally, I think, the first commenter to do so anonymously (and with such a great comment, that’s a shocker!). Seriously, it opened a lot in me I’d like to share in response, but it’s too much for the “comments” section to handle. Would you mind emailing me at robert.s.guthrie(at)gmail(dot)com? Thanks much! 🙂
Yeah, I’ve been spammed before after leaving comments, so I now have a policy of not entering my real email address. Sorry. My address is on it’s way to you via private email…
As a writer, I experience great joy and satisfaction in the process of actually writing. Finishing a piece is almost an anti-climax. I experience all the frustrations you mention in trying to SELL what I write. So I figured my problem was in DESIRE. That’s the ego end of it and attracts nothing but disappointment. Although it’s a heady dream to support myself and my family through writing, it falls under DESIRE and setting that up as a fixed goal within a finite time frame isn’t realistic in any sense of the word. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in my ability anymore, it simply means that I have learned to focus on the JOY part. I refuse to allow my mind to worry over the marketing part as it is a total waste of my energy and time. Now that I’m free of that, bigger and better ideas are coming to me and I believe that my writing is vastly improving and my thinking is delving deeper into things profound and filled with wonder. Detaching completely from the money aspect has been a turnaround for me and is taking me to places that should have mattered more to me long ago.
I cannot speak for your own personal views and motivations; those are for you to sort out. I can say for certain that low sales have nothing to do with your enormous talent which is so obvious in everything you write! I truly hope that you can find a way to live more peacefully with the negative aspects of the writing world.
Thanks, Jo. I am currently reading “The Gift” by Lewis Hyde (Jericha’s long-time recommendation for me). Trying to sort out “my own personal views and motivations”. So, like you, I am unsure at this point what mine are too. 😉
You do always have a kind word for me and my ego. Thank you for that, and more importantly your support over the past year I’ve been doing this. I sometimes forget to mention or count the great friends I’ve made on this journey so far…talk about GIFTS. You are. 🙂
Thanks for saying I have resolve, Rob (but what, NOT gumption, wisdom, or soulfulness? Geez.) (Just kidding.) In some ways, the feeling that you’ve been put on earth as an artist or writer is a curse in this century, because we’re in a society that has hugely devalued the creative realm. Even though writers and artists are the people who help us process suffering and uncover joy, and stockbrokers are not. I REALLY think you should read Lewis Hyde’s book The Gift now. Like, maybe right now. I think it might help.
I will download and begin it today, Jericha. Thank you. 🙂
Ha, I already bought it the last time you recommended, but today I will read it. Thanks again.
Rob, I put you up with the pantheon of independent authors you mentioned, easily. You have the all talent and the courage you need. And I would be thrilled with the success you’ve had.
To me, the worst part of all this is that the time you have to devote to promotion is time taken away from writing that next book. And as you pointed out a few months ago, you need to have that next book to be a real success — the first, as you said, is almost a “sacrifice book.”
I enjoyed both LOST and Dark Prairies, and I’m looking forward to the next novel. And at the same time, I’m wondering how to fit in MY next novel.
Thanks, Scott. Sometimes we just gotta blog out the frustration, too. 😉
I’ve been sort of asking myself how to deal with what is clearly a kind of anger, fueled by disappointment, frustration, etc.
Nicely done, Rob.
Yeah, and when all the traditional publishers get all their backlist up as e-books, we’ll be told there is a ‘glut’ of cheap books and we get all the blame…
Thanks a ton for the comment, Louis—I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: even we optimistically hard workers, believers, positive thinkers, etc. get down, frustrated, discouraged, and yes, downright angry sometimes and I will blog about that too because it helps other writers to know that they aren’t alone in those departments either. 🙂