Twitter was born in 2006 to a skeptical online community, most of whom did not want to know what Demi Moore was eating for dinner, what particular strain of ganja rapper Snoop Dogg was smoking at any given moment, nor when, where, and which Kardashian sister had just noticed an itchy, smelly, reddening condition.
Were the social media gargantuan to succumb, it would be survived by Facebook, LinkedIn, and a host of other second, third, and fifth cousins. Unconfirmed reports suggest that each of these social networking platforms have begun to exhibit symptoms of the same core affliction: Social Apathy, a potentially lethal, fast-spreading disease akin to boredom with video games that do not continually up the visual and virtual ante.
(Social Apathy is prominent in both the “Flash-in-the-Pan” and “Trendy Temporaries” families of diseases, afflicting such previously popular items as bell-bottom and button-fly jeans, uncolas, and, seasonally, the McRib sandwich.)
Doctors at Our Lady of the Struggling Author Hospital confirmed that the social giant is showing no signs of brain activity. In fact, one ER physician who asked to remain anonymous (and bore very little resemblance to either the pearly-toothed George Clooney or the charmingly sweet Noah Wyle) claims it is questionable whether the application ever had any significant intelligence at all, citing the bulk of meaningless chatter that rages through the synaptic wires, along with the ridiculous notion that anything of value can be stated in fewer than 140 characters, including spaces and common characters such as “http://” that are stripped from outgoing messages anyway.
Twitter defied all odds, growing to a seemingly viable business medium at the age of 4 when, against many pundits’ predictions, “authors” John Locke and Amanda Hocking used the character-challenged Über chat program to single-handedly launch their schlock to the very top of vaunted Amazon’s bestseller charts, prompting a slew of how-to books, shady author campaigns, and major marketing ploys promising more talented authors a new way to ensure their books a fresh path to reach the literature-starved public. Nominal numbers at best saw even a fraction of a percentage of success on the Locke/Hocking road to glory.
After a few years and hundreds of billions of “tweets” bouncing back and forth (primarily author-to-author-to-author and back to author again), with no significant book readership ever having been verified to have signed on the social medium, many writers began second-guessing the viability of tweeting as a means to promote or sell their books at all (except to each other).
Secretive studies in Stockholm are purported to have shown that 93% of non-author Twitter users are regular readers of TMZ, OK!, US Weekly, and use their online connections primarily to peruse PerezHilton, The Soup, and WetPaint.com. For this reason, many writers are considering the option of pulling the plug on the life support machines that keep Twitter tweeting, at least in declining author arenas.
When asked for comment, Twitter and its representatives declined comment. One unidentified high-ranking executive was heard to mutter:
“Go tweet yourself.”
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The blank page is dead…long live the blank page.
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Author known to use spontaneous satire, sarcasm, and unannounced injections of pith or witticisms which may not be suitable for humorless or otherwise jest-challenged individuals. (Witticisms not guaranteed to be witty, funny, comical, hilarious, clever, scintillating, whimsical, wise, endearing, keen, savvy, sagacious, penetrating, fanciful, or otherwise enjoyable. The Surgeon General has determined through laboratory testing that sarcasm can be dangerous, even in small amounts, and should not be ingested by those who are serious, somber, pensive, weighty, funereal, unsmiling, poker-faced, sober, or pregnant.)
Damn. It ALWAYS happens. Now that I can tweet with my eyes closed and it’s become almost the habit that smoking is, Twitter is becoming passé? What fresh Hell is this? Never mind that out of 30,000 plus tweets I might have sold 8 books. I actually purchased and READ some might good tomes I might not have otherwise discovered. The times they are a-changing, too effin fast. Where do we go from here, kiddo? Jeezus H. I might actually have to fill these hours writing. Go figure.
Ah, look at it this way:
A. It’s only my opinion.
B. The post IS a parody.
C. Yes, there is truth in everything, even humor, however, there are still a lot of advantages for the author on Twitter (you named one, another is authors connecting, which I see as INVALUABLE)!
D. What do I know?
Or this way:
A. I value your opinion.
B. My reply is a quasi-parody/moan.
C. Damn straight.
D. You know more than you give yourself credit for!
Quasi-parody/moan. I thought that was still illegal in the lower 48 and Alaska. (And if I’m not mistaken, penalty is sixty straight minutes of Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace vying for the spotlight. Toothpicks on eyelids and all that, too.) Better watch it, lady. 😉
Nooooo, not Tweedledum and Tweedledee!!! Horrors!!
Hey, what did Tweedledum and Tweedledee do to deserve that, Jo?!
I agree that twitter is not a sales vehicle, but I do appreciate all the connections I’ve made via twitter, the support authors give each other, and the great tips and advice I’ve found via twitter. I’ve even found some great indies to read via twitter.
Well, my intent had been a total parody, fun, humorous, obituary-like blog today and then a real one tomorrow touting the numerous benefits Twitter does offer Indie authors, most of which you just mentioned in your response. Guess I’ll move on to another topic. Hope you at least chuckled. (Where is that emoticon for complete, deadpan seriousness when you need it?) 😐
You mean… this one…?
:/
You may be writing a parody as someone suggests. You may be dead serious. I personally think you are right. We had a meeting with our marketing team yesterday, and the bottom line was cut down a lot from what we were doing on Tweeter, re-focus and use it to reach targeted readers who might actually buy books or influence those who buy books, and concentrate on other social media that might be more effective. Trends are changing and new opportunities are arising every day. Those who keep following the same old road to the same dead end are bound to fail.
Like said.
Twitter is just a crazy highway and trust me your lucky if ONE person hears what you have to say on there. Everyone is too buys touting their own crap to give a crap about anyone elses crap.
Then on top of that you have got the CRAZY nightmare that the indie community is now facing which is everyone and his uncle is attempting to write books, chasing the money and in turn..
A. Churning out stories that are CRAP, and people have barely spent the time to really write a good story
B. Churning out books which are 50 or 100 pages and trying to get people to buy them and treat them like a 300 page book
C. Churning out writing which hasn’t even seen a proofreader or editor. It was finished in 1 draft and then thrown up on amazon like a piece of chewed meat. Who cares right? Well I bloody do!!! if I am the reader and i find crap I will make damn sure that they receive a review that is negative. Not because I want to be an ass but if I hand over even 99 cents and can see they haven’t even put 99 cents worth of effort in it.. Then for their own sake and those who might be considering it. There will be a review that lays out what is in store for them.
Now Rob, you don’t fall into that category. I have read your stuff. Its good man, heck its bloody good!
But there is a lot of the other crap being thrown up
Just to add to this. We all are prone to make errors typing like maniacs but that is where a professional editor can really help. It does cost a fair penny. $700 or more but at least having someone fix those spelling errors, grammar mistakes and story problems that we all make. Maybe then we might jump beyond the old 99 cents problem that we all face.
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