Twitter ratios. You probably don’t pay much attention to them. Or maybe you do. Either way you likely have some set of rules (even loose ones) that you consult when deciding whether or not you are going to follow someone (or more importantly, follow them back). I used to follow everyone back who followed me. I figured that was the best practice. I mean, if someone is good enough to follow me, why wouldn’t I follow them back, right?

Wrong. Have you seen the recent wave of strange semi-pornographic followers with pictures of beautiful women and bio statements like “just looking for a man who can make me, uh, well, you know—that thing a woman might be looking for a man to help her do”? I get at least 10-20 of those a week. Then there are the hordes of business accounts that now follow you. Everything from teeth-whitening to dating services to plumbing (I even saw one account that had smartly combined all three—come in and browse dating portfolios whilst having your teeth whitened AND receiving a high colonic).

So I admit, I stopped following back every account that follows me. It’s nothing personal, but the problem stems from me getting too busy and not going back and following people in time and then I get all the angry service-generated messages—you know the ones: “I unfollowed @rsguthrie because he’s a big giant douchebag and didn’t follow me when I followed him”. (Those particular people who use those services should also pay for the option where it tacks on something like “Now give me my basketball, I’m going hoooooome.”)

I think that’s the “crybaby” option and only costs an extra $29.99 a month.

Come on, seriously…why do people feel the need to lash out on (of all things) Twitter about (of all things) whether or not a total stranger followed them? I’ve had people tell me horror stories about tweeps that practically stalked them because they either stopped following or they didn’t tweet to them enough or they didn’t like the particular word that was used in a random tweet. (It also doesn’t help that Twitter unfollows users at random, making it look like you did unfollow someone when you really didn’t.)

It still all feels too much like the grade school playground to me.

(With all candor, though, if you are following me, are a legitimate tweep, have never spammed me with a “screw you for not following me” message, and you’ve noticed I’m not following you, just tweet me and I will follow you back, capish?)

Back to the ratio thing, though. The other day I came across Bette Midler’s Twitter account. No, I wasn’t stalking her, nor do I search for (or follow) any celebrities on Twitter. I saw her handle in a tweet by someone and I just wanted to see if it was indeed the “real” Bette. I assume it was because the account has over 220,000 followers. You want to know how many tweeps Bette is following?

Eight.

This is a typical celebrity following/follower ratio. Celebs are (of course) followed by hundreds of thousands of fans (and probably some friends, too) and they follow almost no one. I guess it’s an ego thing. The new age replacement for “don’t call me, I’ll call you”. Or how many flashbulbs go off each time you step out of your limo.

But eight? I of course had to see which eight people in the Twitterverse the Divine One deemed worthy of a follow. I mean how does one so popular choose only eight? I conjured up a pretty daunting list in my mind. I mean think about it: whomever she chose, imagine how many others she’d be offending.

So in my mind I’m thinking names like Obama, H. Clinton, Oprah, Buffett, Bocelli, Dion—not that I associate any of these famous people with Bette necessarily, but if you’re Bette Midler and you’re choosing only eight people to follow?

To say I was a bit surprised would be a bit of an understatement. I mean, hey, Bette can choose whomever she wants to follow, but I think I would have used at least a couple of my choices more seriously. Here are the four people I recognized on her list:

John Stamos
Yeardly Smith
Jerry Seinfeld
Kathy Griffin

I don’t mean to pick on Bette. I’ve always loved her. I mean really—class act all the way. I’m sure she picks and chooses carefully. But John Stamos???

Just kidding John. I know you’re  a regular reader (and you know how much I loved General Hospital…I mean, Full House…Full House!).

Lately I’ve received a “follow” by a number of tweeps with significantly fewer people they’re following than are following them. I have to admit, it made me feel kind of important.

Then I felt incredibly slimy for allowing my ego to wax important because of a Twitter follow ratio.

What had I become? A ratio snob?

No way. I pledge to always have my ratio as close to 1:1 as I can, spammers and porn wannabes notwithstanding. Oh, but of course only until I am truly famous. Then I’ll need to call Bette and figure out how to start doing some serious pruning.

I’ll end with the absolute COOLEST Twitter ratio story ever. You may have heard it. It revolves around one of the funniest men ever to wear an extra-tall suit and take pride in his flaming red hair.

No, not Carrot Top.

Conan O’Brien. The fantastically funny comedian / talk show host (his Twitter bio reads “The voice of the people. Sorry, people.“). The gangly redhead has over 5,200,000 followers. Yet he follows only one person. Always has, said he always will.

And it’s not a celebrity. Her name is Sarah Slowick (Killen). Conan made the following statement when he followed her:

“I’ve decided to follow someone at random. She likes peanut butter and gummy dinosaurs. Sarah Killen, your life is about to change.”

I loved the story when I read it last year. It actually made my day. For me, it was Conan thumbing his nose at the celebrities (and other self-important people) who follow only a minute fraction of the numbers following them. Then today I checked in on Sarah Slowick’s Twitter account. Seems Conan was right, her life did change—she has over 90,000 followers!

She’s following 493.

I’m not judging. Really I’m not. But who does this Sarah Slowick think she is?

Carrot Top?