Smooth (Facebook) Criminal

On September 26, 2011, in Opinion, by rsguthrie

They could have loosened the cuffs a bit

I’ve not been on Facebook for a while. The Twitterverse has occupied the majority of my (not so copious) free time when not writing. (Wow, I never thought I’d have to use 22 adjectives to break down my non-sleeping hours.)

Suffice to say I have never gotten so much as a parking ticket in Zuckerberg’s little fiefdom. Sure, it’s not so small, but you get the point. I am a model Netizen on Facebook. But I returned to the “other” social network with a lot more friends I had met in Twittertopia. A LOT more. Which of course meant the algorithms of Zuckerberg’s minions were inundating me with “Friend Suggestions” like a street corner crack dealer waving free samples.

So I went a bit wild. Okay, it was HOG WILD. I went on a little shopping spree for Facebook buddies. I mean here Facebook is popping up every author in the free world telling me I might just know them (the implication being that I could not live without friending them, or at least that’s exactly how my id—or ego, I can never remember which lies to us how—interpreted the kindly reminder).

But listen, in my defense, there wasn’t a friend invite that:

1) Facebook didn’t suggest (or at least imply by coaxing me into sending another related invitation)


2) Did not have AT LEAST 50+ common friends.

Seriously…at the end of my friending rampage, I had at least 100+ friends in common with any invitee to whom I reached out.

Then I heard sirens in the distance.

Apparently The Zuckerberg Police are not unlike banks, creditors, and drug dealers: they con, coax, coerce, cajole or otherwise compel you to USE and then, when you OVERUSE, bare their blood-drenched fangs and take you apart.

I mean who ever heard of requesting too many friends on a SOCIAL NETWORK?? And how the heck do the Zuckerberg Police keep a straight face (much less sleep at night) imprisoning good, honest hard-socializing folk for allegedly misusing an application that features a POKE option?

Sure, sure, I can POKE Mary before heading off to bed, but I better not want to be FRIENDS.  I guess Facebook wants me to be happy with a poke and nothing more.

Good grief.

It’s been four days and I still cannot friend anyone. People can friend me. I suppose I should ask them for a cake with a file in it.

So if you feel sorry for me, or just want to stick it to Zuckerberg and his storm trooping developers, find me on Facebook and friend me. You can also  “Like” my Facebook Author Page here. That last one won’t piss off the Z-Cops as much, but what the hey…I did write a whole blog for you.


The blank page is dead…long live the blank page.


4 Responses to Smooth (Facebook) Criminal

  1. Rebecca Scarberry says:

    Hi Rob: This story really made me laugh. Re: the FB poking thing. I don’t really know what it means to get poked on FB. I didn’t have any messages from the ppl who poked me. Should I just poke them back?

    • rsguthrie says:

      I have no idea…I have always been to creeped out by the idea of “Poking” someone. I know a guy who pokes all his women friends before he goes off to bed (and, of course, comments about it). There’s just something wrong with that. But it’s ME who is the criminal. Oh, and I am sure all those people who’ve maxed out with 5,000 FB friends know each and every one of them. FB developers need to climb down off their storm-trooping horses. ツ

  2. Love this. I am so fed up with the Evil Facebook. I refuse to even learn how to use the “new” version. working my way over to Google+. Personally I like that twitter is more anonymous. Several hundred friends, never met a single one. I use Facebook to checkout pictures of family that are far far away. Almost never comment. Don’t want the FB nazi’s on my case. But, then I’m kind of a recluse anyway.

    • rsguthrie says:

      They are such a contradiction of themselves. Here Zuckerberg invents the dang thing by stealing people’s pics, info, etc. and posting to the world (and insulting them)…now, if you click “Like” too much, or invite friends too quickly (all of which FB tries to put in your face every day), you are outcast. Do you know how I figure out if I am still banned from friending each morning? By clicking on the friend suggestions FB is STILL PUTTING UP ON MY PAGE. I have a friend who had a guy stalking her on FB…she reported him countless times, and he was never banned. Grrr. (Thanks for the comment, BTW!)

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